The Letting Go Letter

One of the most frightening thoughts for a bereaved person is to conceive of “letting go” of their loved one.  To many, this equates with “forgetting” the person who has died. An easier way to understand it is to see a shift of focus.  The memory of a loved one remains as long as there is life in the bereaved, but it is no longer the reason for that life.  Slowly the bereaved learns to move forward, taking memories along as companions.

Dear _________________,

Your death has left me with a broken bleeding heart, producing an emptiness I know will never be filled.  I miss your voice, the sound of your laughter, those endearing things you did and even the moments when I was infuriated with you.  I miss the dreams I had for and with you.  I miss the future we will no longer have and the past which, no matter how long it may have been, will never be long enough.

I cry a lot, I rage in anger sometimes at God, at you, at fate, at the whole world, at anyone and any thing which seems to be an appropriate target.  I try to understand why you are no longer with me, why I have to struggle to live without you.  Some people have reached out to help me, others have turned away, unable to bear the pain I carry.  I really do not expect others to share my pain only to listen as I talk and cry.  Sometimes I wait for a sign that you are in a better place, and even if I receive the sign I question how it could be better if I am not there with you.  I have wanted to join you so often when the aloneness threatened to overwhelm me.

Through all my pain and doubt, I have managed to come this far.  I have not yet achieved my goal, but at least I can now recognize that I am on the road to recovery.  I am not sure how I will go on without you; no matter how many other people may be in my life, you will always have a special place in my heart.

I cannot come to you at this time; I can only trust, and believe that we will be reunited again sometime in God’s everlasting love.  For now my life must go on; it is time for me to begin to live my life for myself and others.  There was a time when I could not say that, it seemed so callous.  I am learning so much from this grief experience.  As I think of letting go of you, I must now ask that you let go of me.

I let you go dear ______________________.  Thank you for the wonderful, unique relationship we shared.  I do miss you.  I will never forget you.

Adapted from “Letting Go Prayer,” NIRI Kenton, 1991

Used by permission - American Academy of Bereavement