Holidays hold enormous meaning for all of us. How we have observed and celebrated them ties us to family and friends over the years.
Each of us have memories of the holidays from the time we’re small children. These memories are not just in the mind, but are in the heart and body as well. Our senses are deeply involved in these memories. Certain smells and tastes; sounds and sights, and the touch of people we care about… all of these are woven into what makes a particular holiday satisfying. These create the ritual of observance.
How your life has changed. The holidays will never be the same again. There is loss - loss of a person, of people, of certain ways of observing the season.
A part of the dread and depression of the holidays when you life is not the same is the contrast between what you feel and are experiencing, and how you have been conditioned by the media and our culture to respond in a certain way regarding the holiday.
“Tradition” speaks of no change - in contrast to the change you are experiencing in your life. Your life - and the cultural expression of the TV screen and magazine layouts - are out of sync. In addition, there may be other coincidences to this season; it may hold sad memories from the past, such as from your childhood. You desire the pleasure and security of tradition yet dread the confrontation with the renewed reality and finality of death. That is why this has been written - to help you cope with the holidays.
Surviving the Holidays
The holidays can be a difficult time when one has suffered the loss of a loved one. Think ahead to those times that may be the most challenging for you and plan a response BEFORE they arrive.
Traditions/Rituals
- What is most important for you about the holidays? What have the holidays meant for you in the past (childhood and adulthood)?
- Of these important meanings, which are still present in your life?
- What is the one most important meaning in the holidays for you?
- Recognizing the change in your life, what can you do that will preserve the one most important aspect of the holidays without creating unbearable pain?
- If the religious meaning of the holidays is important to you, how can you deepen your religious experience this year?
- Find an meaningful way to acknowledge the person who is missing.
Yourself
- Get in touch with what YOU need and want. Be gentle with yourself. Grief has no timetable.
- Tell your family and friends what you need and how they can help - listen, hug, be with you when you cry.
- Allow yourself to experience a mixture of feelings - pain, anger, guilt, frustration - and don’t try to stop the feelings. Feelings come and go. They are neither good nor bad.
- Be nurturing to yourself. Eat will, stay warm, exercise. Engage in activities that balance the pain without denying it.
- Permit yourself to grieve and feel sad if that’s what you need to do, BUT also permit yourself to feel happy and enjoy your family, friends, and activities. Like other times of the year, you will have good days and bad days.
Activities
- If shopping and gift-giving is painful for you, look for innovative ways to approach this project.
- Bake or make gifts
- Shop through catalogues or stores that ship selections of treats
- Give “I Owe You’s” for a future dinner, concert or other favorite activity
- Adjust your projects to match your energy and interest
- Grieving consumes physical and emotional energy
- Respect yourself for using energy for your grief
- If decorating and attending parties are particularly difficult, explore alternate ways to acknowledge the holidays:
- Simplify decorating, perhaps a live tree that can be planted later in memory of your loved one.
- Visit at a hospital or convalescent home on a holiday to share with those who have no family.
- Assist at a local soup kitchen or homeless shelter.
- Anticipate what others expect of you.
- Let another member of the family host the holiday dinner.
- Consider altering the time for opening presents, etc. and discuss these with your family, if this change would be helpful to you.
- Ask for help from family members and friends in preparing meals, celebrations, gifts.
- Accept invitations if you wish - be willing to stretch yourself.
- Decline invitations if your really don’t wish to go.
- Your are the best judge of what’s good for you.
- Talk about your loved one with others. Let them know it’s OK to share memories - and tears.
Be Flexible and Give Yourself Freedom to Just “BE”
Issues for the Holidays
- Others may make the decision for us to host traditional holidays without consulting us.
- We may mourn past holidays, either for the good or the bad.
- Our circumstance will change emotionally, financially, geographically - nothing will ever be the same.
- Everything comes together to remind us that we cannot control events.
- Commercialization of the holidays for months on end adds to already high stress levels.
- There will be fillings of failure if preparations are not absolutely perfect.
- There will be feelings of greater isolation, not wanting to intrude on the happiness of others.
- There will be the once-a-year greeting cards from people who did not know of the tragedy, and other painful reminders.
- Remember that it is not a sin to die. Deciding to merely exist rather than live is the sin. — Deirdre Curran Felton, M.A.
Being miserable is not a fitting memorial.
Find a positive way to show your love.
Suggestions to Consider
- Anticipate and Intentionally Plan for the Holidays:
- Acknowledge and accept your own feelings - the tears, traces of bitterness, the depression and intense loneliness are all natural reactions to the death of someone special.
- Ask these questions:
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- Do I really enjoy doing this?
- Is this a task that someone else perhaps could handle this year?
- Does this plan isolate you from those who love and support you the best?
- Decide What You Feel You Can Comfortably Handle.
- Don’t be afraid or timid about letting your feelings be known.
- Consider, for example:
- Can you handle the responsibility of the family dinner, holiday party and other traditional gatherings that have been yours in the past?
- Don’t be Afraid to Make Changes.
(It can make things less painful)- Give yourself permission to re-create rituals and traditions by:
- Opening presents at a different time.
- Set a different time for the traditional dinner.
- Change the menu.
- Plan a vacation around the holidays.
- Invite close friends over for a special gathering.
- Create a new living memorial tradition.
(Burn a candle as a memorial)
- Buy a special gift for the home in memory of the one who died.
- Consider Doing Something for Others.
- As you help lift the spirit of others - you’ll also be lifting you own.
- Volunteer to visit shut-ins from the church.
- Volunteer at the Salvation Army or other social service agency.
- Visit and renew an old friendship.
- Bake cookies, etc. for neighbors and friends.
- Have someone over who will be spending the holidays alone.
- Don’t be Afraid to Have Fun.
- You having enjoyment, laughter and pleasure is not a sign of disloyalty to your love one.
- You need not feel guilty - you have not forgotten your loved one. You have changed.
- Give yourself and your family permission to celebrate and take pleasure in the holidays.
